From The Air

When last I left you, I was preparing to board the flight.  As luck would have it, I have my computer with me so this part takes place mid-flight.  The scariest time of any trip for me.  But so far there have been no explosions, near misses, or unruly passengers so I’m good.  Except…

They didn’t take the seat belt sign off right away (some of us have to go after the pre-flight routine but hey, I’m going to Vegas), the flight is full and cramped (but it is true that I’m really going to Vegas), and I can’t lean my seat back because it is apparently broken, even though the person in front of me is leaning his seat back at full throttle (ok, it’s a good thing it is March Madness as well and not just a Vegas trip because this last one is tough).  Seriously, the only other thing that could go wrong so far would be for them to show Mr. Popper’s Penguins on the screen in front of me.  After numerous viewings with Yzzi and Etan, I’m all Popper Penguin’d out.

There is a guy a row in front to my left who has a printout of college basketball information from “Vegas insider.com” and he is highlighting those parts which are relevant to him.    Too small for me to figure out what he is doing but I imagine he is one of those individuals who take this weekend way too seriously and want to prepare their charts and graphs ahead of time.  While I have maybe taken the pool too seriously in the past, gambling on the games in Vegas is a different story.  And I have actually done quite well too (memo to the IRS: but I blew it in video poker on the same trip so stop snooping).

But back to the lecture at hand.  What do I hate the most about air travel?  It’s not the cramped position in which I type this right now (trust me, my computer is on its edge at a 90-degeree angle and resting comfortably on my ample 12-pack abs) or even the crowded flight, wait to board, etc etc.  It’s the fact that we all put up with these things in order to travel.  Forget Kevin Smith (of Jay and Silent Bob fame), if you really looked at it, the seats are way too small for the average human being and the fact that they are able to cram 270 people in this airplane is laughable.  Yet, like the lemmings we are, each of us is willing to pay the $300-$600 (or, in my case, cash in our credit card points) for the opportunity to not only whiff a blended BO smell but also encounter various forms of annoyed aggression bordering on road rage.  Unless, like me, you are properly medicated, and then it is a crapshoot.  You either get the “I’m always happy” (like me up to a certain limit and then only if the plane actually lands) or the “I’m fixing for a fight” (which you always hear about but never ever see—seriously, are these people really that angry??).

The other interesting part is that the airlines charge for EVERYTHING now.  Ever since 9/11, everything can be had at a price.  The problem is that 9/11 didn’t cause the airlines financial model to implode…the airlines caused their own financial model to explode. There was a time when airlines were fat cats and made a pretty penny at the expense of the consumer and their own workers.  But they paid no attention to the future.  I mean, who has time to think about the future when you are so damn rich in the present?

But now bankruptcy after bankruptcy has come and gone and to sustain their already unprofitable model, the airlines charge for each checked bag (unless you are in one of their “clubs”), each “snack” (which used to be their regular meals, except now scaled down and in a box), and, coming to a flight near you, each bathroom trip (trust me, they will make this happen). 

 I will give Delta credit though...their gingerbread cookies are addictive.  When we took the kids to Maine last October, we had several flight issues and ended up stranded at New York’s Laguardia at midnight.  The airport personnel, to help assuage our kids, provided us with (I’m not kidding), 15 packs of cookies.  The kids were too tired to care but their Dad sure was assuaged.  In fact, the woman next to me just sarcastically said “Lite and cookies…great meal” to which I retorted “it’s the perfect pre-Vegas meal”.  Not a great comeback but I’m in “I’m always happy” mode and would prefer not to lose that before we land.  Headphones back on…I am now alone again. (I just caught her looking and did a quick “page up”…funny how out of the corner of my eye I noticed she immediately started looking at her book.

Another note…it always cracks me up when they make a point to tell you as the plane is taking off that you should be sure to use the restroom assigned to your place in the cabin.  In other words, we have a bunch of rich people up here who will be ridiculously upset if they see a common person dare use their bathroom.  Right, that’s what they spent first class money on.  It wasn’t the free meal, alcohol or hot towels, not to mention the two seats in the same space as we have three.  Besides, have you ever been on a flight where there was a long line for the bathroom?  I have but that was after the seatbelt sign was finally shut off following 90 minutes over turbulent skies in the Pacific on the way to Hawaii which seemed to give every passenger severe gastric problems due to the extreme bumpiness (and mini-heart attacks to yours truly who was convinced we were going down).  A couple extra people using your bathroom is not going to take away from the value you have already received from the other amenities.  Besides, you paying that amount for special considerations makes you no more a lemming than the rest of us in coach.  You just can afford it.

Hopefully this doesn’t offend anyone…in fact, if you are offended, feel free to refer to me as the bitter traveler who has issues.  I do have issues.  Issues, like, I really hope this plane doesn’t crash before I finish this blog entry.  Or maybe I should rephrase to say “before I land”—this computer is definitely not made of black box material and I know how excited you all are to read this.  Good news, if it does crash, you will have other, more exciting (and probably more morbid) things to read in the coming days (and none of that will have anything to do with North Carolina, Duke, or Kentucky, thank God).

Unless Iowa State does in Kentucky.  God forbid.

Great, the plane is starting to shake.  We must be getting over the mountains.  And high winds are predicted for Vegas on Sunday night for the return flight takeoff.  I can’t wait.

Seatbelt sign is now on…let the rolling good times begin.  Should be bumpy until we land.  Good thing I have done this flight before or I’d be looking out the window waiting to see the pilot parachuting to safety.  Can’t say that I would blame him…if I thought it was going down, I’d probably look at the Assistant Captain and say “You are promoted” and then push the first button that gets me to freefall.  If I’m going down, the least I can do is something I have never done before, like skydiving (no, not crashing, you sick people).

I have 14% battery left so I think it’s time to sign off.  I leave you with this.  There is a guy standing in front of me about four rows up with a Wisconsin Badgers cloverleaf shirt on, sipping a cocktail and chatting with his fellow Badger fans.  And he’s easily in his 50s (as are his compadres).  That’s what I love about this trip and taking the trip in Coach.  I’m not saying that first class can’t have regular folk but this right here is the epitome of what  you see in Vegas during March Madness.  Good people having a good time.

And cheering like hell for whoever (in my case, that would be one side of the point spread…or Iowa State against Connecticut).

Peace,

Reg