As organizer, judge, jury, and executioner of the Vegas Donation Extravaganza, I receive numerous letters from participants and innocent bystanders alike. Due to my busy schedule (Yzzi's beautiful but she's a handful when she's not picking Ducks and Bunnies to the Final Four), I don't always have the time necessary to do my responses justice so I thought I'd take this last NCAA blog entry to respond to some of the more intriguing questions. With apologies to Dr. Dan, here we go.
Q--In your experience is there one person who is consistently in the mix year in and year out? E. Els, South Africa
A--While I don't have the mental capcity due to my old age to recollect who makes the top 10 on a consistent basis, a few names always seem to have a place somewhere in the top 10 at various times during any given tournament. The one name that sticks out as TGPTHNWAM (The Greatest Player To Have Never Won A Madness) is my brother, Chris Paar. Lawyer Boy has finished second twice and several other times was either in the top 5 or had a chance to finish second and lost the championship game. Maybe if he stopped having kids and took a break from chasing emergency vehicles, he could get over the hump. Until then, I get to listen to how poor the payout is for second place every year.
Q--Are you ever going to automate this pool?
T. Denney, Minneapolis
A--Automating the pool is akin to passing the seatbelt law. The seatbelt law was put in place to protect you from yourself. Not wearing your seatbelt is a victimless crime unless you crash and become the victim. Mr. Denney, as well as others over the years, have suffered from not wearing their seatbelts and have crashed filling out their brackets. Automating the pool is akin to saving you from yourself with the bells and whistles to protect you from picking or not picking the wrong team. Some pools even have capsules next to each team extolling the virtues of why you should pick that team or not pick that team. I think I'm at the point now where I'm purposely not automating the pool because I'm not interested in providing you a "seatbelt." Hell, my mother-in-law can figure out where to go to research the games and NEVER makes a mistake with her picks. If she can do it...so can you.
Q--What is your obsession with blasting so-called "street ball" teams?
I. J. J. J. Rider, San Quentin
A--It's not an obsession--it's actually just disappointment. I'm a big fundamentals guy. Hoosiers is one of my favorite movies because it embodies the very philosophy that some of the best coaches in any sport employ. You need to dribble first to crossover. You need to play defense in order to get the ball and then you need to pass first to shoot. And I haven't even mentioned free throws yet. Same spot. Uncontested. Easiest shot in basketball. And it cost Memphis the championship on Monday. A championship richly deserved until they started choking with 2 mintues to go.
Q--Who is Lothar?
D. Green, High Road
A--King of the Hill People. Walks with women. Saturday Night Live. Mike Myers. If my Dad would watch the skit again, he'd know that Lothar had an issue once because women would not walk with him. I don't remember why. I don't care.
Q--Did you tank Yzzi's pool pick to get the last place prize?
G. Taylor, Minneapolis
A--She's seven months old. Her mother helped her. You do the math.
Q--Were you seriously on suicide watch last night?
R. Elleinad, Maple Grove
A--For the record, I don't like to lose. Frankly, if you're going to be in a pool, you need to be prepared to lose since you have less than a 5% chance to finish in the money. It's not fun losing to someone who doesn't follow it, doesn't care about it, and would rather be sleeping than watching a game like the Memphis/Kansas classic Monday night. Losing to her Year 1, I was livid. Year 2, it became comical. After last year, it taught me the lesson that much like playing video poker, I have no control over any of this--I can save certain cards and put myself in a position to win certain hands but I still have to push the button and the machine still gets to decide if it's my time. However, that doesn't stop me from being competitive with the machines. Which is not rational since they are machines running a process with preprogrammed odds. I handle losing to Raap the same way I handle losing in Vegas.
One beer at a time.
Have a great summer everyone!
Peace,
Reg
PS--I will most likely have at least a weekly post for the baseball season. Feel free to stop by and post comments as you see fit.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Travis and the NCAA
Travis got off the bus in front of NCAA HQ.
"This is my last chance," Travis said. "I've tried everything--this HAS to work!"
He nervously approached the front door and went in. The lobby looked like something from the Taj Mahal. The guard at the desk immediately pulled his gun and pointed it at Travis.
"Wha, wha, what isss th-th-that for?" Travis stammered.
"No one gets past this desk unless employed by the NCAA. Absolutely NO ONE!" the guard bellowed. He looked jumpy and nervous--he was obviously balding even though he was wearing a cap.
Travis stopped, thought for a moment and said "But I have a violation to report."
The guard put his gun away and smiled "Violation? That's the fifth one today. Well why didn't you say so? Step this way" The guard pointed towards the elevators. Travis walked over and got on the elevator--as the door closed he heard the guard say "If you see my best friend, the General, Robert Montgomery Knight, please tell him I said hi and that Indiana NEEDS--". The doors cut him off.
Whew, Travis thought. That was a close one. Indeed, he knew the truth. He wasn't there to report a violation. He was there to pitch probably the wildest idea the NCAA had considered since the play-in game (it probably makes as much sense too). "Who said that?" Travis looked around the elevator (oops, gotta go...). Seeing no one, Travis stood in silence, prepping his speech in his mind.
When the elevator opened on the 216th floor, Travis walked out to see what seemed like a normal waiting room with one exception. The long hallway seemed to stretch for miles. He could make out a lone figure behind a desk at the end of the hallway. As he got closer, he could make out a white robe. Still closer, he could make out hair...in fact, there was hair everywhere. the man behind the desk had a beard and long hair.
Travis stopped short. "Jesus? Is, is that you?"
The man looked confidently at him "It is you who says that I am".
Travis, annoyed, tried again. "Are you Jesus or not?"
The man, without raising his voice, said "I am who am"
Travis was pissed now. "Damn it Jesus, cut the crap, you work for the NCAA?"
Jesus was surprised but stood his ground. "Is it really that hard to believe?"
Travis was perplexed. "Actually, despite all the loaves and fishes, raising the dead, healing the sick, walking on water, yes, yes it is hard to believe"
Jesus leaned back in his chair. "Think for a moment"
The light bulb went on "Jesuit schools! The only reason the WCC could ever send three teams. No way Gonzaga and St. Mary's make it when San Diego won their mid-major tournament!"
Jesus sighed "Actually I was talking about the miracle of the play-in game--how else could one extra team get into the tournament? Do you people ever learn? Why are you here?"
Travis had almost forgotten but he drew a deep breath and began "I know what I'm about to ask for is crazy but--"
Jesus interrupted again "Crazy? It can't be any crazier than what I've already seen today. A talking dog just left, named something like Snoopy or Chewy or Marmaduke, I dunno. Anyway, he asked me to spot a 10-point lead to each school with a dog mascot. Oh, and he wanted me to disallow the cat mascots. Some woman was in here with her seven-month old daughter asking for me to let Oregon win the whole tournament because her daughter thinks Ducks are cute."
Travis stopped him. "That's not that crazy"
Jesus was aghast "Really? How about the guy who goes by 'Lothar' who claimed to walk with women and a dog, whatever that means, and as soon as he saw I was watching tv, he picked up my remote and changed the channel to golf. Oh, and I've been getting these stalker phone calls all day from some guy begging me to smite Memphis before their Elite 8 game to save his marriage"
Travis was growing impatient. "Listen Jesus, I understand you've had a bad day but I have something important to ask you"
Jesus frowned, "What is it? Money? Fame? Women?"
"No, something much better. I want you to let Texas win a game"
"That's not such a big deal," Jesus said, "Texas is a good team. When do you want them to win, Sweet 16, Elite 8, Final Four?"
Travis hesitated. "Final Four"
"No problem--a win over Memphis will help get that other guy off my back too"
"In the East Regional"
Jesus' jaw dropped "Come again?"
"Tennessee just lost. Can't you substitute Texas in their place against North Carolina?
"I might work for the NCAA but that doesn't mean I can work that kind of miracle...Louisville has that spot. Have you met Rick Pitino? Anyone who can switch from Kentucky to Louisville as a coach should not be messed with." Jesus paused, Wait a second, you're in a pool aren't you?"
"Yes, sir"
Jesus thought for a moment. "You actually picked Texas to win a game in the wrong region? That's not crazy, that's just stupid"
"I know, I know," Travis admitted, "but with your help, I can rectify that. I can win the pool and amaze my friends! I can be popular! My pets will love me!"
Jesus smiled, "God can't fix stupid, son. Now go home and start prepping for next year. And for my sake, quit filling out the bracket after happy hour!"
Travis turned to leave but stopped. "Jesus, one more request."
"What now? You want North Carolina to play itself in the Championship game?"
"Can you tell me which way the talking dog went? I need some advice."
Peace,
Reg
"This is my last chance," Travis said. "I've tried everything--this HAS to work!"
He nervously approached the front door and went in. The lobby looked like something from the Taj Mahal. The guard at the desk immediately pulled his gun and pointed it at Travis.
"Wha, wha, what isss th-th-that for?" Travis stammered.
"No one gets past this desk unless employed by the NCAA. Absolutely NO ONE!" the guard bellowed. He looked jumpy and nervous--he was obviously balding even though he was wearing a cap.
Travis stopped, thought for a moment and said "But I have a violation to report."
The guard put his gun away and smiled "Violation? That's the fifth one today. Well why didn't you say so? Step this way" The guard pointed towards the elevators. Travis walked over and got on the elevator--as the door closed he heard the guard say "If you see my best friend, the General, Robert Montgomery Knight, please tell him I said hi and that Indiana NEEDS--". The doors cut him off.
Whew, Travis thought. That was a close one. Indeed, he knew the truth. He wasn't there to report a violation. He was there to pitch probably the wildest idea the NCAA had considered since the play-in game (it probably makes as much sense too). "Who said that?" Travis looked around the elevator (oops, gotta go...). Seeing no one, Travis stood in silence, prepping his speech in his mind.
When the elevator opened on the 216th floor, Travis walked out to see what seemed like a normal waiting room with one exception. The long hallway seemed to stretch for miles. He could make out a lone figure behind a desk at the end of the hallway. As he got closer, he could make out a white robe. Still closer, he could make out hair...in fact, there was hair everywhere. the man behind the desk had a beard and long hair.
Travis stopped short. "Jesus? Is, is that you?"
The man looked confidently at him "It is you who says that I am".
Travis, annoyed, tried again. "Are you Jesus or not?"
The man, without raising his voice, said "I am who am"
Travis was pissed now. "Damn it Jesus, cut the crap, you work for the NCAA?"
Jesus was surprised but stood his ground. "Is it really that hard to believe?"
Travis was perplexed. "Actually, despite all the loaves and fishes, raising the dead, healing the sick, walking on water, yes, yes it is hard to believe"
Jesus leaned back in his chair. "Think for a moment"
The light bulb went on "Jesuit schools! The only reason the WCC could ever send three teams. No way Gonzaga and St. Mary's make it when San Diego won their mid-major tournament!"
Jesus sighed "Actually I was talking about the miracle of the play-in game--how else could one extra team get into the tournament? Do you people ever learn? Why are you here?"
Travis had almost forgotten but he drew a deep breath and began "I know what I'm about to ask for is crazy but--"
Jesus interrupted again "Crazy? It can't be any crazier than what I've already seen today. A talking dog just left, named something like Snoopy or Chewy or Marmaduke, I dunno. Anyway, he asked me to spot a 10-point lead to each school with a dog mascot. Oh, and he wanted me to disallow the cat mascots. Some woman was in here with her seven-month old daughter asking for me to let Oregon win the whole tournament because her daughter thinks Ducks are cute."
Travis stopped him. "That's not that crazy"
Jesus was aghast "Really? How about the guy who goes by 'Lothar' who claimed to walk with women and a dog, whatever that means, and as soon as he saw I was watching tv, he picked up my remote and changed the channel to golf. Oh, and I've been getting these stalker phone calls all day from some guy begging me to smite Memphis before their Elite 8 game to save his marriage"
Travis was growing impatient. "Listen Jesus, I understand you've had a bad day but I have something important to ask you"
Jesus frowned, "What is it? Money? Fame? Women?"
"No, something much better. I want you to let Texas win a game"
"That's not such a big deal," Jesus said, "Texas is a good team. When do you want them to win, Sweet 16, Elite 8, Final Four?"
Travis hesitated. "Final Four"
"No problem--a win over Memphis will help get that other guy off my back too"
"In the East Regional"
Jesus' jaw dropped "Come again?"
"Tennessee just lost. Can't you substitute Texas in their place against North Carolina?
"I might work for the NCAA but that doesn't mean I can work that kind of miracle...Louisville has that spot. Have you met Rick Pitino? Anyone who can switch from Kentucky to Louisville as a coach should not be messed with." Jesus paused, Wait a second, you're in a pool aren't you?"
"Yes, sir"
Jesus thought for a moment. "You actually picked Texas to win a game in the wrong region? That's not crazy, that's just stupid"
"I know, I know," Travis admitted, "but with your help, I can rectify that. I can win the pool and amaze my friends! I can be popular! My pets will love me!"
Jesus smiled, "God can't fix stupid, son. Now go home and start prepping for next year. And for my sake, quit filling out the bracket after happy hour!"
Travis turned to leave but stopped. "Jesus, one more request."
"What now? You want North Carolina to play itself in the Championship game?"
"Can you tell me which way the talking dog went? I need some advice."
Peace,
Reg
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Killer Instinct
After watching Xavier blow an 18-point lead and all but hand the game to West Virginia on a silver platter tonight, I realized that this tournament has to be the signature year for the comeback. Xavier is one of five teams including W. Kentucky aginst Drake (16); Clemson against Villanova (18); Texas against Miami (16); and Georgetown against Davidson (17); where a team had a large double-digit lead at one point only to lift their foot off the heads of their respective snakes and allow the team to have a chance to tie at the end (Miami), force OT (W. Virginia, Drake), or actually win the game (Villanova, Davidson--both parlay killers for me).
What is going on?
I chalk this up to another aspect of careless play that I think marks this tournament more than any of recent memory. Too many offensive fouls, too many careless "me" shots, not enough teamwork and, for God's sake, no killer instinct. Two teams have crushed their opposition so far and, unfortunately, they are in the same side of the bracket. North Carolina and Kansas. Average margin of victory--30 (NC) and 22 (Kansas) and while the fodder of choice has not exactly been UCLA (actually, Washington State for the Tar Heels came the closest--and why are we splitting hairs when Davidson beat supposed power Georgetown??), they have done efficiently and professionally (whoops, should probably change that to "collegiately" or the NCAA may declare them ineligible due to their "pro" status) exactly what they should in each game. No messing around...no me first basketball...no flash and dash. Save that for the NBA boys when you declare after your freshman year, end up drafted in the second round and head straight for Europe because you really can't play in the NBA (I would argue that some of you can't play in the NCAA right now either).
North Carolina and Kansas are the class of the tournament so far. Teams like Stanford, Wisconsin, and Louisville have been workman-like in their efforts and, some could say, Louisville has been crushing their opposition as well but they did let Tennessee back in their game tonight after being up 18 at one point. They also did not show a penchant for blowing teams out during the regular season like the Tar Heels and Jayhawks. UCLA gets bored easily and let Western Kentucky back into this game tonight too easily. My original pick is a pretender who might be the most physically talented team but proved tonight that, much like Georgetown and Clemson before them, physical talent isn't enough if you don't play like a team and maintain a lead.
North Carolina, Kansas, Stanford, Wisconsin, Louisville.
In a tournament of 64 teams and the need to win 6 games against quality opposition to be champion, these five teams have the tools necessary to play, and win, consistently over a competitive timeframe.
And one of these five teams will win the whole thing.
Peace,
Reg
What is going on?
I chalk this up to another aspect of careless play that I think marks this tournament more than any of recent memory. Too many offensive fouls, too many careless "me" shots, not enough teamwork and, for God's sake, no killer instinct. Two teams have crushed their opposition so far and, unfortunately, they are in the same side of the bracket. North Carolina and Kansas. Average margin of victory--30 (NC) and 22 (Kansas) and while the fodder of choice has not exactly been UCLA (actually, Washington State for the Tar Heels came the closest--and why are we splitting hairs when Davidson beat supposed power Georgetown??), they have done efficiently and professionally (whoops, should probably change that to "collegiately" or the NCAA may declare them ineligible due to their "pro" status) exactly what they should in each game. No messing around...no me first basketball...no flash and dash. Save that for the NBA boys when you declare after your freshman year, end up drafted in the second round and head straight for Europe because you really can't play in the NBA (I would argue that some of you can't play in the NCAA right now either).
North Carolina and Kansas are the class of the tournament so far. Teams like Stanford, Wisconsin, and Louisville have been workman-like in their efforts and, some could say, Louisville has been crushing their opposition as well but they did let Tennessee back in their game tonight after being up 18 at one point. They also did not show a penchant for blowing teams out during the regular season like the Tar Heels and Jayhawks. UCLA gets bored easily and let Western Kentucky back into this game tonight too easily. My original pick is a pretender who might be the most physically talented team but proved tonight that, much like Georgetown and Clemson before them, physical talent isn't enough if you don't play like a team and maintain a lead.
North Carolina, Kansas, Stanford, Wisconsin, Louisville.
In a tournament of 64 teams and the need to win 6 games against quality opposition to be champion, these five teams have the tools necessary to play, and win, consistently over a competitive timeframe.
And one of these five teams will win the whole thing.
Peace,
Reg
Monday, March 24, 2008
Easter Sunday
The most fascinating thing to me about the NCAA tournament to date, in this day and age of religious fanaticism and overreaching causes (I mean, come on, does a fish really need to have "rights"), is that no one raised a stink about playing on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.
I'm the last one to take a stand either way since I believe a nation is best served by the separation of Church and sports (yes, I'm talking to you Cris Carter and Randall Cunningham). I just found it interesting that no one on the Catholic side of the ball (and Lord knows there were enough of them in the tournament this year besides just Notre Dame and Marquette) or anyone affiliated with these schools, spoke out about the tournament taking place at the tail end of Holy Week.
I realize the Archbishop of Rome has been pretty busy lately finding new sins with which to tax my Catholic guilt, including pollution (I know I'm a sinner but every morning when I start my car??) but he is missing the one event during Holy Week that combines a "who's who" of sins, including gambling, drinking, profanity and the offensive foul. That last one is the one that gets me the most. If you watched this weekend, you saw more charging fouls than a fraud conference put on by Captial One. These kids put their head down and their best street ball foot forward to recklessly drive for a "me" basket. What happened to an offensive scheme? What happened to a game plan? Davidson won that game against Georgetown because they were more in control. Memphis almost lost to Mississippi State for the same reasons. Yes, an offensive foul should be considered a sin--how do you commit a foul when trying to score? It's basically the equivalent of giving to charity using money robbed from an old lady.
But I digress.
Back to Easter weekend. Again, I'm not advocating that anyone should consider not playing the games on Easter. I just can't believe that some do-gooder blowhard didn't come up with the lame brain idea to protest this outside all of the arenas in force on Good Friday and Easter Sunday. Is society actually taking a step towards being more civilized and worrying about things that really matter? But wait, there's the whole St. Patrick's Day fiasco that brings me back to earth. Local church officials declared St. Patrick's Day needed to be celebrated earlier in the weekend instead of the Monday of Holy Week. If St. Patrick's Day is that important for the local church to protest and that took place on the MONDAY of Holy Week, why isn't anyone taking a stand against the tournament?
Maybe it's because the Archbishop has Notre Dame and Marquette in the church office pool.
Peace,
Reg
I'm the last one to take a stand either way since I believe a nation is best served by the separation of Church and sports (yes, I'm talking to you Cris Carter and Randall Cunningham). I just found it interesting that no one on the Catholic side of the ball (and Lord knows there were enough of them in the tournament this year besides just Notre Dame and Marquette) or anyone affiliated with these schools, spoke out about the tournament taking place at the tail end of Holy Week.
I realize the Archbishop of Rome has been pretty busy lately finding new sins with which to tax my Catholic guilt, including pollution (I know I'm a sinner but every morning when I start my car??) but he is missing the one event during Holy Week that combines a "who's who" of sins, including gambling, drinking, profanity and the offensive foul. That last one is the one that gets me the most. If you watched this weekend, you saw more charging fouls than a fraud conference put on by Captial One. These kids put their head down and their best street ball foot forward to recklessly drive for a "me" basket. What happened to an offensive scheme? What happened to a game plan? Davidson won that game against Georgetown because they were more in control. Memphis almost lost to Mississippi State for the same reasons. Yes, an offensive foul should be considered a sin--how do you commit a foul when trying to score? It's basically the equivalent of giving to charity using money robbed from an old lady.
But I digress.
Back to Easter weekend. Again, I'm not advocating that anyone should consider not playing the games on Easter. I just can't believe that some do-gooder blowhard didn't come up with the lame brain idea to protest this outside all of the arenas in force on Good Friday and Easter Sunday. Is society actually taking a step towards being more civilized and worrying about things that really matter? But wait, there's the whole St. Patrick's Day fiasco that brings me back to earth. Local church officials declared St. Patrick's Day needed to be celebrated earlier in the weekend instead of the Monday of Holy Week. If St. Patrick's Day is that important for the local church to protest and that took place on the MONDAY of Holy Week, why isn't anyone taking a stand against the tournament?
Maybe it's because the Archbishop has Notre Dame and Marquette in the church office pool.
Peace,
Reg
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Doctor, Doctor
The following is the transcript from an actual session between a doctor and patient about a month ago.
Doctor: Do you realize how long we have been in session now?
Patient: This session or overall?
Doctor: Overall.
Patient: Ten months.
Doctor: Do you realize we haven't made any progress yet?
Patient is silently staring off in the distance.
Doctor: Doesn't that bother you? Why are you being so stubborn?
Patient: You don't understand.
Doctor: What's not to understand? You lost...fair and square.
Patient: It's not that easy.
Doctor: But it is...the fact that you can't come to grips with it is why you are STILL here.
Patient: What do you care? I'm paying you good money.
Doctor: It's not about the money any longer...I'm getting seriously worried about you. Do you realize that when you came in the office today, you had four basketball magazines with you and were trying to read all four at the same time? When I said "Good Morning," you broke into what I can only assume was an impersonation of Dick Vitale, expounding the virtues of some team named....
Patient: Drake.
Doctor: Yes, Drake. And when I asked you what you were doing, you started mumbling something about an acronym...
Patient: RPI
Doctor: I'm not even going to begin to try and understand what that stands for.
Patient: Honestly, I don't even know what it stands for...but I do know it is used to--
Doctor (interrupting): STOP! ENOUGH! Seriously, how did you get to this point?
Patient: I don't know...these last ten months are a blur. I can't even tell you what we discussed at the last session.
Doctor: I can. You told me you grounded your dog because he was watching too much ESPN. You forbid your daughter from using the computer to check basketball scores. She cried. A lot. She's SIX MONTHS OLD!
Patient: Why are you yelling at me?
Doctor: Does any of this seem normal to you?
Patient: Ok, maybe grounding the dog for six months was a little rash. He probably only deserved three.
Doctor: We need to get to the bottom of this. My wife is expecting me home early tonight.
Patient: Oh God! I all of a sudden feel nauseous.
Doctor: Nauseous? Why?
Patient: It must have been something you said...
Doctor: Huh? All I said is that my wife...
Patient: Ugghhhh! My head...
Doctor: What does this have to do with my wife?
Patient (grabbing his head with both hands): Stop saying that word!
Doctor: Which one?
Patient: W I F E (grabs his head and screams in agony again).
Doctor: Wow, it works when you spell it too. Now we're getting somewhere.
Patient: What does it mean? How can you figure it out from that.
Doctor: You're not the only one this has ever happened to...do you run an NCAA pool?
Patient: Ummm, I think so. Like I said it's all a blur.
Doctor: Are you married?
Patient: Well, there is a female in my house with my dog and daughter. But we haven't really spoken in ten months.
Doctor: Does she follow basketball?
Patient: I dunno...like I said, we haven't talked in ten months.
Doctor: She beat you in the pool, didn't she?
Patient (getting agitated): Huh? Yes, I mean no, no way...that's impossible. She doesn't even follow basketball.
Doctor: But I though you just said...
Patient (grabs a pillow and squeezes it, voice rising): She doesn't pay attention! She doesn't watch the games, she just sits there and watches American Idol and then she picks all these games correctly!
Doctor: Calm down--
Patient: Calm down? You don't know what it's like! Three years in a row...THREE YEARS! Last year, I had it wrapped up and then a team that never should have won late in the tournament wins a game they had no business winning and she does this stupid little dance all across the living room floor. She knows nothing about basketball!
Doctor: Maybe you should copy her picks this year.
Patient: Whoa...why would I do something like that?
Doctor: You don't want to lose again do you?
Patient: But a tie?
Doctor: It's not a loss.
Patient: But it's not a win either. I don't want to not lose...I want to crush her. I want her to lose all her picks by round three. I want HER to be frustrated--I want her to hate losing.
Doctor: You said it yourself...she doesn't care. Why would she ever reach that point?
Patient: Then I guess there's only one thing left to do--win the whole damn pool.
Doctor: My advice is to start drinking heavily. You can't win.
Patient: I have to go break down film. I have eight conference tournament games on my DVR and I need to get familiar with the defensive schemes if I'm going to pick upsets. Upsets are the key to winning.
Doctor: Do me a favor--send your dog next week--I need to meet a sane member of your family.
Doctor: Do you realize how long we have been in session now?
Patient: This session or overall?
Doctor: Overall.
Patient: Ten months.
Doctor: Do you realize we haven't made any progress yet?
Patient is silently staring off in the distance.
Doctor: Doesn't that bother you? Why are you being so stubborn?
Patient: You don't understand.
Doctor: What's not to understand? You lost...fair and square.
Patient: It's not that easy.
Doctor: But it is...the fact that you can't come to grips with it is why you are STILL here.
Patient: What do you care? I'm paying you good money.
Doctor: It's not about the money any longer...I'm getting seriously worried about you. Do you realize that when you came in the office today, you had four basketball magazines with you and were trying to read all four at the same time? When I said "Good Morning," you broke into what I can only assume was an impersonation of Dick Vitale, expounding the virtues of some team named....
Patient: Drake.
Doctor: Yes, Drake. And when I asked you what you were doing, you started mumbling something about an acronym...
Patient: RPI
Doctor: I'm not even going to begin to try and understand what that stands for.
Patient: Honestly, I don't even know what it stands for...but I do know it is used to--
Doctor (interrupting): STOP! ENOUGH! Seriously, how did you get to this point?
Patient: I don't know...these last ten months are a blur. I can't even tell you what we discussed at the last session.
Doctor: I can. You told me you grounded your dog because he was watching too much ESPN. You forbid your daughter from using the computer to check basketball scores. She cried. A lot. She's SIX MONTHS OLD!
Patient: Why are you yelling at me?
Doctor: Does any of this seem normal to you?
Patient: Ok, maybe grounding the dog for six months was a little rash. He probably only deserved three.
Doctor: We need to get to the bottom of this. My wife is expecting me home early tonight.
Patient: Oh God! I all of a sudden feel nauseous.
Doctor: Nauseous? Why?
Patient: It must have been something you said...
Doctor: Huh? All I said is that my wife...
Patient: Ugghhhh! My head...
Doctor: What does this have to do with my wife?
Patient (grabbing his head with both hands): Stop saying that word!
Doctor: Which one?
Patient: W I F E (grabs his head and screams in agony again).
Doctor: Wow, it works when you spell it too. Now we're getting somewhere.
Patient: What does it mean? How can you figure it out from that.
Doctor: You're not the only one this has ever happened to...do you run an NCAA pool?
Patient: Ummm, I think so. Like I said it's all a blur.
Doctor: Are you married?
Patient: Well, there is a female in my house with my dog and daughter. But we haven't really spoken in ten months.
Doctor: Does she follow basketball?
Patient: I dunno...like I said, we haven't talked in ten months.
Doctor: She beat you in the pool, didn't she?
Patient (getting agitated): Huh? Yes, I mean no, no way...that's impossible. She doesn't even follow basketball.
Doctor: But I though you just said...
Patient (grabs a pillow and squeezes it, voice rising): She doesn't pay attention! She doesn't watch the games, she just sits there and watches American Idol and then she picks all these games correctly!
Doctor: Calm down--
Patient: Calm down? You don't know what it's like! Three years in a row...THREE YEARS! Last year, I had it wrapped up and then a team that never should have won late in the tournament wins a game they had no business winning and she does this stupid little dance all across the living room floor. She knows nothing about basketball!
Doctor: Maybe you should copy her picks this year.
Patient: Whoa...why would I do something like that?
Doctor: You don't want to lose again do you?
Patient: But a tie?
Doctor: It's not a loss.
Patient: But it's not a win either. I don't want to not lose...I want to crush her. I want her to lose all her picks by round three. I want HER to be frustrated--I want her to hate losing.
Doctor: You said it yourself...she doesn't care. Why would she ever reach that point?
Patient: Then I guess there's only one thing left to do--win the whole damn pool.
Doctor: My advice is to start drinking heavily. You can't win.
Patient: I have to go break down film. I have eight conference tournament games on my DVR and I need to get familiar with the defensive schemes if I'm going to pick upsets. Upsets are the key to winning.
Doctor: Do me a favor--send your dog next week--I need to meet a sane member of your family.
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