Doctor, Doctor

The following is the transcript from an actual session between a doctor and patient about a month ago.

Doctor: Do you realize how long we have been in session now?

Patient: This session or overall?

Doctor: Overall.

Patient: Ten months.

Doctor: Do you realize we haven't made any progress yet?

Patient is silently staring off in the distance.

Doctor: Doesn't that bother you? Why are you being so stubborn?

Patient: You don't understand.

Doctor: What's not to understand? You lost...fair and square.

Patient: It's not that easy.

Doctor: But it is...the fact that you can't come to grips with it is why you are STILL here.

Patient: What do you care? I'm paying you good money.

Doctor: It's not about the money any longer...I'm getting seriously worried about you. Do you realize that when you came in the office today, you had four basketball magazines with you and were trying to read all four at the same time? When I said "Good Morning," you broke into what I can only assume was an impersonation of Dick Vitale, expounding the virtues of some team named....

Patient: Drake.

Doctor: Yes, Drake. And when I asked you what you were doing, you started mumbling something about an acronym...

Patient: RPI

Doctor: I'm not even going to begin to try and understand what that stands for.

Patient: Honestly, I don't even know what it stands for...but I do know it is used to--

Doctor (interrupting): STOP! ENOUGH! Seriously, how did you get to this point?

Patient: I don't know...these last ten months are a blur. I can't even tell you what we discussed at the last session.

Doctor: I can. You told me you grounded your dog because he was watching too much ESPN. You forbid your daughter from using the computer to check basketball scores. She cried. A lot. She's SIX MONTHS OLD!

Patient: Why are you yelling at me?

Doctor: Does any of this seem normal to you?

Patient: Ok, maybe grounding the dog for six months was a little rash. He probably only deserved three.

Doctor: We need to get to the bottom of this. My wife is expecting me home early tonight.

Patient: Oh God! I all of a sudden feel nauseous.

Doctor: Nauseous? Why?

Patient: It must have been something you said...

Doctor: Huh? All I said is that my wife...

Patient: Ugghhhh! My head...

Doctor: What does this have to do with my wife?

Patient (grabbing his head with both hands): Stop saying that word!

Doctor: Which one?

Patient: W I F E (grabs his head and screams in agony again).

Doctor: Wow, it works when you spell it too. Now we're getting somewhere.

Patient: What does it mean? How can you figure it out from that.

Doctor: You're not the only one this has ever happened to...do you run an NCAA pool?

Patient: Ummm, I think so. Like I said it's all a blur.

Doctor: Are you married?

Patient: Well, there is a female in my house with my dog and daughter. But we haven't really spoken in ten months.

Doctor: Does she follow basketball?

Patient: I dunno...like I said, we haven't talked in ten months.

Doctor: She beat you in the pool, didn't she?

Patient (getting agitated): Huh? Yes, I mean no, no way...that's impossible. She doesn't even follow basketball.

Doctor: But I though you just said...

Patient (grabs a pillow and squeezes it, voice rising): She doesn't pay attention! She doesn't watch the games, she just sits there and watches American Idol and then she picks all these games correctly!

Doctor: Calm down--

Patient: Calm down? You don't know what it's like! Three years in a row...THREE YEARS! Last year, I had it wrapped up and then a team that never should have won late in the tournament wins a game they had no business winning and she does this stupid little dance all across the living room floor. She knows nothing about basketball!

Doctor: Maybe you should copy her picks this year.

Patient: Whoa...why would I do something like that?

Doctor: You don't want to lose again do you?

Patient: But a tie?

Doctor: It's not a loss.

Patient: But it's not a win either. I don't want to not lose...I want to crush her. I want her to lose all her picks by round three. I want HER to be frustrated--I want her to hate losing.

Doctor: You said it yourself...she doesn't care. Why would she ever reach that point?

Patient: Then I guess there's only one thing left to do--win the whole damn pool.

Doctor: My advice is to start drinking heavily. You can't win.

Patient: I have to go break down film. I have eight conference tournament games on my DVR and I need to get familiar with the defensive schemes if I'm going to pick upsets. Upsets are the key to winning.

Doctor: Do me a favor--send your dog next week--I need to meet a sane member of your family.