VIva Las Vegas

I'm back but not sure that I'm fully functional yet after five days and nights in Sin City.  Beer, cigars, shots, cognac, more cigars, double cheeseburgers and fries at McDonald's (at least one a day), more beer and some of the worst bar food (when you economize) I will ever eat have taken their toll on me.  Couple that with sleepless nights there (seriously, my body never adjusted to the two-hour time change) and when I returned (both kids got the flu while I was gone) and this has already been a long week.

As for the main purpose of the trip, I would never qualify myself as an expert.  However, after 13 trips to Vegas for various gambling and sports betting experiences and eight of those for March Madness, I can honestly say there are a few things I should pass along to those that go someday.  Learn from my mistakes.

Factor in alcohol content into every bet
Because the beers are usually very cheap if you are gambling, you need to be in touch with your intake.  Note that I didn't say you should drink less or not as much as you want.  I said you should be in touch with your intake.  That is, when considering a bet, subtract one from your confidence level in the bet for every beer you have consumed prior to that bet and then reassess.

What's that you say?  If I have already consumed many beers, what if I can't do the math in my head?  Fear not, my friends, there is a shortcut.  Ask yourself if you would make the same bet with your wife's money (keeping in mind that what's yours is hers and what's hers is hers).  Not behind her back but with her standing right in front of you, eyeing your every move very carefully.  If that doesn't sober you up enough to thoughtfully consider the ramifications, you have already answered your own question and are beyond my help.

Strength in numbers
One thing you absolutely must make sure you do is be smart about the when and where of your behavior.  For example, say your favorite team pulls a big upset over a #1 seed in the tournament while you are watching them in the sportsbook.  So big that some pundits after the fact will call it the biggest upset ever in the NCAA tournament.  And let's just say, for argument sake, that this #1 seed has an obnoxious slogan that is overused by every headline, Sportscenter opening, and overzealous sports announcer (READ: EVERY sports announcer) to the point where anyone not affiliated with this school would wish it away forever if given the chance by a bored genie on vacation in Vegas.

With all of these facts, it is ok to substitute the nickname of your team in said slogan (as a totally off-the-cuff example, let's use "Rock Chalk PANTHERS") and say it often throughout the night as you walk through the casinos as long as you are with three or more people and all of those people are either affiliated with the school or not annoyed enough with you at that point that they would sell you out to the first Jay...uhh, I mean, opposing fan that walks by looking for a fight.

HOWEVER (and this is very important)...when said family members (again, for example) go to bed for the night, it is most definitely prudent to shut your mouth completely and maybe even take off your hoodie and hat emblazoned with the schools logo and i(u)nitials while you are sitting at the video poker machine.

Unless of course, a burly Kansas State fan comes up, slaps you on the back, and offers to buy you drinks all night long.

Beware of the "free beer" fallacy
Yes, Vegas has long been known for their free beer if you are gambling (or mostly free since a $1 tip has always been expected).  Video poker, slots, sportsbooks--all places where free beer can be had as long as you are wagering.

But a recent trend by Vegas has many scratching their heads since every cabbie you talk to tells you how slow the town has been in the down economy (of course, they could be bucking for a bigger tip but trust me when I say that with the hat backwards and smelling of airport beer, I hardly resemble a whale with a fat wallet).    The trend in the sportsbooks is to provide drink tickets with sports bets, most likely so someone sitting in the sports book has to prove they are gambling in that sportsbook while watching the games so they essentially "earn" their free ($1) beer.  In and of itself, the policy makes sense because in the past there are a ton of non-gamblers who loiter by the television to score said free ($1) beer.

But the Monte Carlo was only handing one ticket per $100 you bet.  Again, not a whale with a fat wallet, I'm more like a guppy with a coin jar so that policy is not "liver beneficial" for me.  What makes it worse is it is obvious from the facial expressions that neither the sportsbook agents taking the best nor the waitresses serving cocktails like it because it hurts their take.

How you ask?  Because groups like mine usually have a savvy 61-year old with knowledge of local convenience stores that are walking distance (short enough that a 61-year old can get there and back in a flash) from the sportsbook.  These 61-year olds know that they sell 24 oz cans of various suds for 2.75 which is slightly more than two free ($1) 12 oz. beers and a lot less than the $100 required to get a drink ticket to get one free ($1) beer.  And groups were bringing them in by the sacks full (at one point, there were probably twice as much outside beer in the book as casino beer).  Good-bye ($1) tips for the waitresses.  Hello grief and aggravation for the sportsbook agents who have to deal with drunk patrons begging for extra tickets.  And these casinos actually make money?  With that thought process?

Come to think of it, they probably own the convenience stores too.

Peace,
Reg