The Family Meeting

"They just finished the brackets...let's go!"

Being the head of the household is not easy.  It's a lot of work and a thankless job.  I don't know how Danielle does it.  Therefore, to help Danielle out whenever I can.  Calling this meeting might be the single most important thing I would ever do for her.

"Come on you guys, vamanos muchachos!"  (I have been watching waayyyy too much "Handy Manny" lately).

Nate was the first to the table.  "I'm pumped!  I've been waiting for this day since I helped Mom kick your butt last year!"  I wasn't digging his enthusiasm and didn't appreciate his use of the rear end of his vocabulary but he confirmed one thing for me...the "two head" principle was a valid one!  I knew it!

Just then, Izzy walked in.  "Dad, can we get on with this?  Phineas and Ferb is on in 10 minutes!"

"Now Iz, you have seen that episode a thousand times.  This is much more important than a Disney show."  Much like her father, Izzy had learned to talk by quoting Disney shows.

"Dad, the only reason I'm here is because you threatened to not take me to McDonald's for a month.  Don't try to make this into more than it is.  I need my Chicken McNuggets!"  She was not amused.  And she started foaming at the mouth.  I started wondering if it was a ploy or if she was Urgent Care-bound.

"Mom, can't you do something?"  Izzy was now pleading to her Mother who had just sat down at the kitchen table.  "Don't look at me," Danielle said, "Your Dad took my computer and threatened to deactivate my Facebook account if I didn't go in on this meeting.  My hands are tied."

It was time for me to get control.  "Listen everyone.  I just thought it would behoove the family to get together to discuss our picks so we are all on the same page and we can maximize this family's chance to win money this year.  Those Twins tickets don't pay for themselves and college isn't getting any cheaper.  Now, any questions?"

"Dad?"

"Yes, Nate?"

"What does 'behoove' mean?"

"Nevermind...let's get started.  I want to go over the bracket and suggest a strategy that will give us the best chance of placing someone near the top."

"Dad?

"Now what Nate?"

"Don't you run the pool?
"Yes son, why?"

"Can't you just fix it so we win?"

"Nice try son, but this isn't the NCAA.  We don't tell people what to think.  We don't make up crazy formulas and rules that no one can understand just to justify our existence...or that of the BCS"

"Dad?"

"Yes, Iz?"

"What is a BCS?"

"Just another form of mind control, Iz.  We'll discuss it later."  This was getting good--questions meant I had their attention.  "Right now, we need to FOCUS.  I've been doing some studying online and I have a plan.  Each one of the kids needs to pick a couple upsets to give us a chance at the DJMUA award.  I figure picking 2 16's and 2 15's to win their first round game should do the trick."

"That's a little extreme, isn't it Artie?"  Danielle was suddenly paying close attention to my plan but I was unwavered.  "Hon, I need you to pick all 12 seeds and either 2 13s or 2 14s to win."  I locked eyes with Danielle.  "And you can't have one #1 seed in the final four."

"What does that last part have to do with the DJMUA award?"  Danielle bore a hole straight through me with her glare.  "Are you asking us to tank our picks?"

"I don't want you to tank your picks!  I'm simply asking each person to make a personal sacrifice for the good of the family and take a few risks."

"You call that a few risks?  A 16 has never won a first round game.  Ever!"

"I'm not sure what you mean."  I wasn't sure what she meant.  Seriously.

"You have complained for the past five years that you are always behind me in the pool and..."

I had to interrupt.  "Uhhh, wait a minute.  I beat you two years ago."

"And you needed a tiebreaker to even do that!  I can't believe you would stoop to this level.  Is it really worth embarrassing the kids just so you can blog about how you finally conquered your family."

"Embarrass the kids?  I'm taking time out of my very busy schedule to give them valuable advice that could help them be the first ever winner of the DJMUA award!  They'll be the envy of their friends."

Nate chimed in.  "Dad, I'm seven months old.  I don't have any friends yet, except for the dog who keeps licking my ears when I start crying."  Izzy wasn't going to be left out.  "Dad, the only reason I let you use my name every year is because this whole March Madness thing keeps you occupied and away from my Barbie stuff.  I don't give a rip about my picks.  Besides, I still haven't seen my $5 from finishing last two years ago."

I was at a loss.  Maybe, subconsciously, I was trying to submarine my own family just for personal gain.  I thought I was doing the right thing but maybe I was trying too hard.  Not sure what to do, I looked up at everyone at the table.  "I'm sorry you guys.  I get carried away sometimes.  I just want everyone to have fun--we can do the picks like always.  Danielle, you do Izzy's and I'll take care of Nate's this year."

"No way Dad."  Nate slipped off his chair and waved his hand dismissively in the air as he walked away.  "You're not bringing me down into your bracket of hell."  Izzy had left right after her comment about last place.  Danielle just sat at the table and shook her head.  The family meeting had imploded,

Suddenly a paw went up.

"Yes, Chewy?"

"Is the meeting adjourned?  I really have to go outside"

ARTIE!!!!!!!!

I turned away from the computer to see Danielle standing right in front of me.  "Sorry dear--I was spacing out.  What did you need?"

"Do you want to put Nate or Izzy to bed tonight?"  On the floor, Nate was rolling around with his rattle in the shape of a monkey.  Izzy was on the couch sipping her milk and holding her teddy bear.  I was back in reality.  It felt good.  And much less stressful.

Wait, did the dog just wink at me?

Peace,
Reg