As organizer, judge, jury, and executioner of the Vegas Donation Extravaganza, I receive numerous letters from participants and innocent bystanders alike. Due to my busy schedule (Yzzi's beautiful but she's a handful when she's not picking Ducks and Bunnies to the Final Four), I don't always have the time necessary to do my responses justice so I thought I'd take this last NCAA blog entry to respond to some of the more intriguing questions. With apologies to Dr. Dan, here we go.
Q--In your experience is there one person who is consistently in the mix year in and year out? E. Els, South Africa
A--While I don't have the mental capcity due to my old age to recollect who makes the top 10 on a consistent basis, a few names always seem to have a place somewhere in the top 10 at various times during any given tournament. The one name that sticks out as TGPTHNWAM (The Greatest Player To Have Never Won A Madness) is my brother, Chris Paar. Lawyer Boy has finished second twice and several other times was either in the top 5 or had a chance to finish second and lost the championship game. Maybe if he stopped having kids and took a break from chasing emergency vehicles, he could get over the hump. Until then, I get to listen to how poor the payout is for second place every year.
Q--Are you ever going to automate this pool?
T. Denney, Minneapolis
A--Automating the pool is akin to passing the seatbelt law. The seatbelt law was put in place to protect you from yourself. Not wearing your seatbelt is a victimless crime unless you crash and become the victim. Mr. Denney, as well as others over the years, have suffered from not wearing their seatbelts and have crashed filling out their brackets. Automating the pool is akin to saving you from yourself with the bells and whistles to protect you from picking or not picking the wrong team. Some pools even have capsules next to each team extolling the virtues of why you should pick that team or not pick that team. I think I'm at the point now where I'm purposely not automating the pool because I'm not interested in providing you a "seatbelt." Hell, my mother-in-law can figure out where to go to research the games and NEVER makes a mistake with her picks. If she can do it...so can you.
Q--What is your obsession with blasting so-called "street ball" teams?
I. J. J. J. Rider, San Quentin
A--It's not an obsession--it's actually just disappointment. I'm a big fundamentals guy. Hoosiers is one of my favorite movies because it embodies the very philosophy that some of the best coaches in any sport employ. You need to dribble first to crossover. You need to play defense in order to get the ball and then you need to pass first to shoot. And I haven't even mentioned free throws yet. Same spot. Uncontested. Easiest shot in basketball. And it cost Memphis the championship on Monday. A championship richly deserved until they started choking with 2 mintues to go.
Q--Who is Lothar?
D. Green, High Road
A--King of the Hill People. Walks with women. Saturday Night Live. Mike Myers. If my Dad would watch the skit again, he'd know that Lothar had an issue once because women would not walk with him. I don't remember why. I don't care.
Q--Did you tank Yzzi's pool pick to get the last place prize?
G. Taylor, Minneapolis
A--She's seven months old. Her mother helped her. You do the math.
Q--Were you seriously on suicide watch last night?
R. Elleinad, Maple Grove
A--For the record, I don't like to lose. Frankly, if you're going to be in a pool, you need to be prepared to lose since you have less than a 5% chance to finish in the money. It's not fun losing to someone who doesn't follow it, doesn't care about it, and would rather be sleeping than watching a game like the Memphis/Kansas classic Monday night. Losing to her Year 1, I was livid. Year 2, it became comical. After last year, it taught me the lesson that much like playing video poker, I have no control over any of this--I can save certain cards and put myself in a position to win certain hands but I still have to push the button and the machine still gets to decide if it's my time. However, that doesn't stop me from being competitive with the machines. Which is not rational since they are machines running a process with preprogrammed odds. I handle losing to Raap the same way I handle losing in Vegas.
One beer at a time.
Have a great summer everyone!
Peace,
Reg
PS--I will most likely have at least a weekly post for the baseball season. Feel free to stop by and post comments as you see fit.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Travis and the NCAA
Travis got off the bus in front of NCAA HQ.
"This is my last chance," Travis said. "I've tried everything--this HAS to work!"
He nervously approached the front door and went in. The lobby looked like something from the Taj Mahal. The guard at the desk immediately pulled his gun and pointed it at Travis.
"Wha, wha, what isss th-th-that for?" Travis stammered.
"No one gets past this desk unless employed by the NCAA. Absolutely NO ONE!" the guard bellowed. He looked jumpy and nervous--he was obviously balding even though he was wearing a cap.
Travis stopped, thought for a moment and said "But I have a violation to report."
The guard put his gun away and smiled "Violation? That's the fifth one today. Well why didn't you say so? Step this way" The guard pointed towards the elevators. Travis walked over and got on the elevator--as the door closed he heard the guard say "If you see my best friend, the General, Robert Montgomery Knight, please tell him I said hi and that Indiana NEEDS--". The doors cut him off.
Whew, Travis thought. That was a close one. Indeed, he knew the truth. He wasn't there to report a violation. He was there to pitch probably the wildest idea the NCAA had considered since the play-in game (it probably makes as much sense too). "Who said that?" Travis looked around the elevator (oops, gotta go...). Seeing no one, Travis stood in silence, prepping his speech in his mind.
When the elevator opened on the 216th floor, Travis walked out to see what seemed like a normal waiting room with one exception. The long hallway seemed to stretch for miles. He could make out a lone figure behind a desk at the end of the hallway. As he got closer, he could make out a white robe. Still closer, he could make out hair...in fact, there was hair everywhere. the man behind the desk had a beard and long hair.
Travis stopped short. "Jesus? Is, is that you?"
The man looked confidently at him "It is you who says that I am".
Travis, annoyed, tried again. "Are you Jesus or not?"
The man, without raising his voice, said "I am who am"
Travis was pissed now. "Damn it Jesus, cut the crap, you work for the NCAA?"
Jesus was surprised but stood his ground. "Is it really that hard to believe?"
Travis was perplexed. "Actually, despite all the loaves and fishes, raising the dead, healing the sick, walking on water, yes, yes it is hard to believe"
Jesus leaned back in his chair. "Think for a moment"
The light bulb went on "Jesuit schools! The only reason the WCC could ever send three teams. No way Gonzaga and St. Mary's make it when San Diego won their mid-major tournament!"
Jesus sighed "Actually I was talking about the miracle of the play-in game--how else could one extra team get into the tournament? Do you people ever learn? Why are you here?"
Travis had almost forgotten but he drew a deep breath and began "I know what I'm about to ask for is crazy but--"
Jesus interrupted again "Crazy? It can't be any crazier than what I've already seen today. A talking dog just left, named something like Snoopy or Chewy or Marmaduke, I dunno. Anyway, he asked me to spot a 10-point lead to each school with a dog mascot. Oh, and he wanted me to disallow the cat mascots. Some woman was in here with her seven-month old daughter asking for me to let Oregon win the whole tournament because her daughter thinks Ducks are cute."
Travis stopped him. "That's not that crazy"
Jesus was aghast "Really? How about the guy who goes by 'Lothar' who claimed to walk with women and a dog, whatever that means, and as soon as he saw I was watching tv, he picked up my remote and changed the channel to golf. Oh, and I've been getting these stalker phone calls all day from some guy begging me to smite Memphis before their Elite 8 game to save his marriage"
Travis was growing impatient. "Listen Jesus, I understand you've had a bad day but I have something important to ask you"
Jesus frowned, "What is it? Money? Fame? Women?"
"No, something much better. I want you to let Texas win a game"
"That's not such a big deal," Jesus said, "Texas is a good team. When do you want them to win, Sweet 16, Elite 8, Final Four?"
Travis hesitated. "Final Four"
"No problem--a win over Memphis will help get that other guy off my back too"
"In the East Regional"
Jesus' jaw dropped "Come again?"
"Tennessee just lost. Can't you substitute Texas in their place against North Carolina?
"I might work for the NCAA but that doesn't mean I can work that kind of miracle...Louisville has that spot. Have you met Rick Pitino? Anyone who can switch from Kentucky to Louisville as a coach should not be messed with." Jesus paused, Wait a second, you're in a pool aren't you?"
"Yes, sir"
Jesus thought for a moment. "You actually picked Texas to win a game in the wrong region? That's not crazy, that's just stupid"
"I know, I know," Travis admitted, "but with your help, I can rectify that. I can win the pool and amaze my friends! I can be popular! My pets will love me!"
Jesus smiled, "God can't fix stupid, son. Now go home and start prepping for next year. And for my sake, quit filling out the bracket after happy hour!"
Travis turned to leave but stopped. "Jesus, one more request."
"What now? You want North Carolina to play itself in the Championship game?"
"Can you tell me which way the talking dog went? I need some advice."
Peace,
Reg
"This is my last chance," Travis said. "I've tried everything--this HAS to work!"
He nervously approached the front door and went in. The lobby looked like something from the Taj Mahal. The guard at the desk immediately pulled his gun and pointed it at Travis.
"Wha, wha, what isss th-th-that for?" Travis stammered.
"No one gets past this desk unless employed by the NCAA. Absolutely NO ONE!" the guard bellowed. He looked jumpy and nervous--he was obviously balding even though he was wearing a cap.
Travis stopped, thought for a moment and said "But I have a violation to report."
The guard put his gun away and smiled "Violation? That's the fifth one today. Well why didn't you say so? Step this way" The guard pointed towards the elevators. Travis walked over and got on the elevator--as the door closed he heard the guard say "If you see my best friend, the General, Robert Montgomery Knight, please tell him I said hi and that Indiana NEEDS--". The doors cut him off.
Whew, Travis thought. That was a close one. Indeed, he knew the truth. He wasn't there to report a violation. He was there to pitch probably the wildest idea the NCAA had considered since the play-in game (it probably makes as much sense too). "Who said that?" Travis looked around the elevator (oops, gotta go...). Seeing no one, Travis stood in silence, prepping his speech in his mind.
When the elevator opened on the 216th floor, Travis walked out to see what seemed like a normal waiting room with one exception. The long hallway seemed to stretch for miles. He could make out a lone figure behind a desk at the end of the hallway. As he got closer, he could make out a white robe. Still closer, he could make out hair...in fact, there was hair everywhere. the man behind the desk had a beard and long hair.
Travis stopped short. "Jesus? Is, is that you?"
The man looked confidently at him "It is you who says that I am".
Travis, annoyed, tried again. "Are you Jesus or not?"
The man, without raising his voice, said "I am who am"
Travis was pissed now. "Damn it Jesus, cut the crap, you work for the NCAA?"
Jesus was surprised but stood his ground. "Is it really that hard to believe?"
Travis was perplexed. "Actually, despite all the loaves and fishes, raising the dead, healing the sick, walking on water, yes, yes it is hard to believe"
Jesus leaned back in his chair. "Think for a moment"
The light bulb went on "Jesuit schools! The only reason the WCC could ever send three teams. No way Gonzaga and St. Mary's make it when San Diego won their mid-major tournament!"
Jesus sighed "Actually I was talking about the miracle of the play-in game--how else could one extra team get into the tournament? Do you people ever learn? Why are you here?"
Travis had almost forgotten but he drew a deep breath and began "I know what I'm about to ask for is crazy but--"
Jesus interrupted again "Crazy? It can't be any crazier than what I've already seen today. A talking dog just left, named something like Snoopy or Chewy or Marmaduke, I dunno. Anyway, he asked me to spot a 10-point lead to each school with a dog mascot. Oh, and he wanted me to disallow the cat mascots. Some woman was in here with her seven-month old daughter asking for me to let Oregon win the whole tournament because her daughter thinks Ducks are cute."
Travis stopped him. "That's not that crazy"
Jesus was aghast "Really? How about the guy who goes by 'Lothar' who claimed to walk with women and a dog, whatever that means, and as soon as he saw I was watching tv, he picked up my remote and changed the channel to golf. Oh, and I've been getting these stalker phone calls all day from some guy begging me to smite Memphis before their Elite 8 game to save his marriage"
Travis was growing impatient. "Listen Jesus, I understand you've had a bad day but I have something important to ask you"
Jesus frowned, "What is it? Money? Fame? Women?"
"No, something much better. I want you to let Texas win a game"
"That's not such a big deal," Jesus said, "Texas is a good team. When do you want them to win, Sweet 16, Elite 8, Final Four?"
Travis hesitated. "Final Four"
"No problem--a win over Memphis will help get that other guy off my back too"
"In the East Regional"
Jesus' jaw dropped "Come again?"
"Tennessee just lost. Can't you substitute Texas in their place against North Carolina?
"I might work for the NCAA but that doesn't mean I can work that kind of miracle...Louisville has that spot. Have you met Rick Pitino? Anyone who can switch from Kentucky to Louisville as a coach should not be messed with." Jesus paused, Wait a second, you're in a pool aren't you?"
"Yes, sir"
Jesus thought for a moment. "You actually picked Texas to win a game in the wrong region? That's not crazy, that's just stupid"
"I know, I know," Travis admitted, "but with your help, I can rectify that. I can win the pool and amaze my friends! I can be popular! My pets will love me!"
Jesus smiled, "God can't fix stupid, son. Now go home and start prepping for next year. And for my sake, quit filling out the bracket after happy hour!"
Travis turned to leave but stopped. "Jesus, one more request."
"What now? You want North Carolina to play itself in the Championship game?"
"Can you tell me which way the talking dog went? I need some advice."
Peace,
Reg
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