Travis and the NCAA

Travis got off the bus in front of NCAA HQ.

"This is my last chance," Travis said. "I've tried everything--this HAS to work!"

He nervously approached the front door and went in. The lobby looked like something from the Taj Mahal. The guard at the desk immediately pulled his gun and pointed it at Travis.

"Wha, wha, what isss th-th-that for?" Travis stammered.

"No one gets past this desk unless employed by the NCAA. Absolutely NO ONE!" the guard bellowed. He looked jumpy and nervous--he was obviously balding even though he was wearing a cap.

Travis stopped, thought for a moment and said "But I have a violation to report."

The guard put his gun away and smiled "Violation? That's the fifth one today. Well why didn't you say so? Step this way" The guard pointed towards the elevators. Travis walked over and got on the elevator--as the door closed he heard the guard say "If you see my best friend, the General, Robert Montgomery Knight, please tell him I said hi and that Indiana NEEDS--". The doors cut him off.

Whew, Travis thought. That was a close one. Indeed, he knew the truth. He wasn't there to report a violation. He was there to pitch probably the wildest idea the NCAA had considered since the play-in game (it probably makes as much sense too). "Who said that?" Travis looked around the elevator (oops, gotta go...). Seeing no one, Travis stood in silence, prepping his speech in his mind.

When the elevator opened on the 216th floor, Travis walked out to see what seemed like a normal waiting room with one exception. The long hallway seemed to stretch for miles. He could make out a lone figure behind a desk at the end of the hallway. As he got closer, he could make out a white robe. Still closer, he could make out hair...in fact, there was hair everywhere. the man behind the desk had a beard and long hair.

Travis stopped short. "Jesus? Is, is that you?"

The man looked confidently at him "It is you who says that I am".

Travis, annoyed, tried again. "Are you Jesus or not?"

The man, without raising his voice, said "I am who am"

Travis was pissed now. "Damn it Jesus, cut the crap, you work for the NCAA?"

Jesus was surprised but stood his ground. "Is it really that hard to believe?"

Travis was perplexed. "Actually, despite all the loaves and fishes, raising the dead, healing the sick, walking on water, yes, yes it is hard to believe"

Jesus leaned back in his chair. "Think for a moment"

The light bulb went on "Jesuit schools! The only reason the WCC could ever send three teams. No way Gonzaga and St. Mary's make it when San Diego won their mid-major tournament!"

Jesus sighed "Actually I was talking about the miracle of the play-in game--how else could one extra team get into the tournament? Do you people ever learn? Why are you here?"

Travis had almost forgotten but he drew a deep breath and began "I know what I'm about to ask for is crazy but--"

Jesus interrupted again "Crazy? It can't be any crazier than what I've already seen today. A talking dog just left, named something like Snoopy or Chewy or Marmaduke, I dunno. Anyway, he asked me to spot a 10-point lead to each school with a dog mascot. Oh, and he wanted me to disallow the cat mascots. Some woman was in here with her seven-month old daughter asking for me to let Oregon win the whole tournament because her daughter thinks Ducks are cute."

Travis stopped him. "That's not that crazy"

Jesus was aghast "Really? How about the guy who goes by 'Lothar' who claimed to walk with women and a dog, whatever that means, and as soon as he saw I was watching tv, he picked up my remote and changed the channel to golf. Oh, and I've been getting these stalker phone calls all day from some guy begging me to smite Memphis before their Elite 8 game to save his marriage"

Travis was growing impatient. "Listen Jesus, I understand you've had a bad day but I have something important to ask you"

Jesus frowned, "What is it? Money? Fame? Women?"

"No, something much better. I want you to let Texas win a game"

"That's not such a big deal," Jesus said, "Texas is a good team. When do you want them to win, Sweet 16, Elite 8, Final Four?"

Travis hesitated. "Final Four"

"No problem--a win over Memphis will help get that other guy off my back too"

"In the East Regional"

Jesus' jaw dropped "Come again?"

"Tennessee just lost. Can't you substitute Texas in their place against North Carolina?

"I might work for the NCAA but that doesn't mean I can work that kind of miracle...Louisville has that spot. Have you met Rick Pitino? Anyone who can switch from Kentucky to Louisville as a coach should not be messed with." Jesus paused, Wait a second, you're in a pool aren't you?"

"Yes, sir"

Jesus thought for a moment. "You actually picked Texas to win a game in the wrong region? That's not crazy, that's just stupid"

"I know, I know," Travis admitted, "but with your help, I can rectify that. I can win the pool and amaze my friends! I can be popular! My pets will love me!"

Jesus smiled, "God can't fix stupid, son. Now go home and start prepping for next year. And for my sake, quit filling out the bracket after happy hour!"

Travis turned to leave but stopped. "Jesus, one more request."

"What now? You want North Carolina to play itself in the Championship game?"

"Can you tell me which way the talking dog went? I need some advice."

Peace,
Reg